My Life in a Zoo!

People who symbiotically share their homes with four-legged creatures or, basically anything that is classified as Not Human, might be able to share my sentiments. I have for a long time suspected I am an inhabitant of a zoo and over the past few days I have become convinced of this.

For starters there is Flyboy but I am not going to go there because he is technically speaking classified as human – he has however been called The Woolly Mammoth before though but I don't think that counts.

Exhibit 1: Houndus maximus
This Exhibit is a gundog, not to be confused with a hunting dog, which is often described in hunting and gun magazines as "ever eager" or "over eager." Flyboy starts cleaning his guns and this creature goes into a state of Bezerker. Add to that he takes great joy in carrying around/away shoes of all shapes and sizes – I am now the proud owner of one blue slipper and one cream slipper. His favourite past time has to be sorting through the dirty laundry (usually strewn all over the floor) for trophies. It is very embarrassing when your dog greets a visitor with a pair of your knickers in his mouth. He is also under the impression that it is his god-given right to take over the human bed at 05:00, thus condemning the humans who warmed it for him to about 2 centimetres of space each.

Exhibit 2: Houndus minimus
Exhibit 2 is a temporary visitor of the Jack Russell variety who drags his pet human, SwissMix, over for sleep overs. In the morning, after SwissMix has taken him outside to potty, he makes a beeline for our room because, hey, that's where the fun is. After taking a running leap from the door, landing squarely on your face and chewing on your nose just to check if it is in fact removable, he starts looking for warm spots. His favourite warm spot is underneath the duvet, at your feet. On his little journey down to your feet he takes great joy in nibbling on any sticky outie bits that he might encounter on the way. Two things: He is still a puppy with real needles for teeth and PJ's are usually an optional extra in this house – you work it out!

Fortunately Exhibit 2 is a temporary member of the zoo because the thing is either a wind-up toy or a crack baby.

Exhibit 3: Demon Cat from Hades
In view of the fact that one of the feline occupants was recently sent off to The Big Sandbox in the Sky I decided that it might be a nice gesture to treat the remaining feline a bit and give her some "Wet Whiskas" each night. She usually lives on the dry variety. BIG MISTAKE! It seems the wet variety has awakened her hunting spirit. There are few experiences as eerie as being awoken at 02:00 in the morning to the sound of demonic meowing because The Demon Cat has managed to capture yet another hapless creature. A few days ago I was treated to the sound of Demon Cat devouring a frog behind my office chair while I was in fact occupying it. I pretended I didn't hear her.

Exhibit 4: Varying Number of Frogs, Toads, Snakes, etc (I am convinced I am a witch)
The frogs and toads come into the house because it's cold outside. Houndus maximus approaches his water bowl now with a modicum of caution because IT MIGHT BE OCCUPIED! The bad thing is the toads usually take a nice big cricket-infested dump in his water bowl which I think is a bit rude.

The snakes are usually Demon Cat's escapees. It is a scary experience when you bend down to plug your cell 'phone into its charger and realise the charger's chord is moving!

Oh, did I forget to mention the spiders? I have a couple I greet every morning, by name.

So, occupants of this house, please take note: If you have MORE than TWO legs, you in fact DO NOT own the house. Snakes, you don't have a say!