Things and Whys

Something that puzzles me about life is that every cloud has a silver lining and yet many people are struck by lightening every year.   You catch my drift?

 

One day after having made the Big Decision to go up to Sodom and Gomorrah I am reminded of one of the primary reasons why I fled – Crime!   Yes, chalk me up on the stats, I was hijacked.  My beautiful little Toyota Corolla was taken from me at gunpoint by three, very gentlemanly hijackers whom I suspect were policemen – the police issue handguns and the professional frisk were give-aways.   To add to my sorrows, I had only four months left of payments on my little baby and then she would be mine, all mine.  For the first time in my life I would have a Big Persons Possession.   But naturally, the road of life is never smooth, in my case it is filled with ditches and dongas.  The nymphomaniac broker (no exaggeration here) made a total hash of my policy.   So, no, I was never reimbursed for my stolen vehicle and I had to continue paying for four months for something I didn't have.  Very painful time in my life!

 

Honestly?  I so do not want to ever do that again in my life.

 

So, here I sit, staring out the window over a spectacular Eastern Cape rural landscape, bathed in autumn sun.  And I wonder what the hell am I doing with my life?

 

There so many people who have fled City Life and made it work in the country and yet, I am a failure.  Why? What is wrong with me that I can't make it work?

 

For the most part the people down here are really nice but I just can't fit in here.  Why?   What is wrong with me that I can't fit in?

 

So many people who would give their eye teeth to be in my position and yet, I don't feel happy?  Why?   What is wrong with me that I can't feel grateful?

 

And now I am scared, scared to go, scared to stay.

What is wrong with me?

 

I am so tired!  I am so tired of thinking!

 

I don't think I can do this!  Can someone pull the emergency brake, please?  I want to get off the world because I just can't do this bullshit called Life anymore.