My Funny Bone Died!

I am not funny anymore… sorry. You see, something I have always suspected about myself is that when I am running on empty in terms of sleep I am a rather entertaining, humorous creature (totally modest too). I think it has something to do with “My mouth has to keep moving otherwise I will fall asleep.” It’s hereditary from my Maw’s side. However last night I had a good night’s sleep… in fact, that is an understatement, I passed into the Netherworld for 9 solid hours. The end result is: I am not funny anymore. I really do apologise but I had to warn anyone with expectations.

The ‘Serious’ Stuph

This last weekend has been a weekend of shockers. Apart from discovering that I am ‘not funny,’ Flyboy and I realised too late we had been elected to a club committee again, for the fourth time in a row. We promised ourselves we would not let it happen again. In fact, yours truly even threw a very inelegant tantrum in front of the members (all men) in an attempt to drive home why the club doesn’t want us. But alas, the fish wife screeching fell on deaf ears. I am still secretary but at least Flyboy is now a seat warmer and no longer the bean counter. *sigh* That means I can’t sell the mini, fishnets and high heels for at least another year. *Note to self: Buy more emery boards before the next meeting.*

Then the final shocker and this one is a bit sad. The woman who gave birth to me is getting old. We stopped over for a quick visit last night. Before going into Maw’s home she pointed out the mushrooms that had come up in their front lawn. We visited for about half an hour and then we had to leave because it was late. When we left she pointed out the mushrooms again. Something kind of jarred in my head. I asked Flyboy is it because her mouth isn’t connected to her brain or is she going senile (he has a bit more experience with these things). He said, “No, she is getting old.” What? Huh? When? What do you mean “old?” Don’t talk about me Maw like that! I will beat you up.

Now I have a couple of problems with that statement:

• She is not allowed to get old – granted she had me late in life but that’s not my fault.
  If she is getting old it means I have to kind of think about my role as being the sole provider of grandchildren (my brother has long since decided that mini versions of him running around is not his cup of tea, and Maw has stopped hinting to him. She turned her full attention to me).
• Does this mean that I am not allowed to become irritated when she repeats the same thing five times in the space of six minutes?
• If she is getting old it means that her time in this realm is limited and… well, who would I fight with then?
• Parents aren’t supposed to get old. Don’t they know that? Didn’t they read the manual?
• If my mother is getting old does that mean I have to be a big girl now?

I think I must discuss this with her. Yes, she must pull herself together and stop this ageing nonsense because I am not ready to be an orphan at 33… or ever for that matter. Me, selfish? You think?

And now for something completely different

Does anyone else out there also connect to the information highway using a 3G datacard? There is a new 3G package on the market, 3G (and then something amounting to alphabet soup). I logged onto the Vodacom website this morning to get the “Latest News” in a vain attempt to keep myself technologically up to date. The first sentence of the article about 3G Alphabet Soup reads as follows:

“We've heard it before - If you're not in 3G, you're not in the game.”

That statement is quite pretentious because it firstly assumes that everyone wants to play the game. There are a lot of people out there who don't like sport and now have to be made to feel guilty about it. Secondly it is a bit insulting because some people might not be able to get 3G, does that make them lesser mortals? And there is also a glaring grammatical error there. 3G is an abbreviation for Third Generation so technically that should read: If you're not in THE 3G, etc. Or am I am being anal retentive? Hey, I am a Virgo, we're like that.

Furthermore, I would like to know this. Despite having a Vodafone 3G datacard we can only connect via GPRS, 3G is not available in this area (YET I am told). I keep checking the coverage map on the Vodacom website in the hope that our area will be under the red blanket that indicates coverage. Instead it is still a nice cream with a label saying “Open Space.” I don’t want to be “Open Space” – I want to be warm and snug under a red blanket.

I would also like answers regarding our player status. If we lesser mortals cannot receive the 3G signal because the service provider is still getting around to us, what does that makes us? Game challenged? Surely if we are ‘game challenged’ but not by choice we shouldn’t be forced to keep the bench warm? I demand to talk to the coach, I WANT TO PLAY TOO! Er, what game are we playing by the way?

I need to take my medication.

And speaking of medication, there is a wagtail attacking its reflection in the sliding door. The little dude is going to give himself a headache.

Oh dear, got to run, the guys in white coats are coming over the hill on motorbikes (this is a farm, you can’t expect them to walk).